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4

You think you will have time to learn
You think you will have time to grow
You think by the time she arrives
You will know all you need to know
A lifetime of planning
A million small dreams
Of holding her for the first time
As she lets out her first screams
You want to be her comfort
You want her to know she is safe
You want her to know that in your arms
Is the safest of place
You imagine the first cuddles
Your partner looking in your eyes
The moment of utter joy
And blissful surprise
You want to feel the mother
You want her to know
That you can help with everything
That there’s nowhere else she needs to go
You want to hold her tightly from the kicks that were inside
To move to the real world as the magic builds
Beside
But..
You see her flying past straight over to ICU
You can’t help but feel in your weaken state that the fault is all just you
You look down broken hearted at an empty cold bed
Your partner has to disappear to care for your baby instead
You awaken in and out of sleep like a coma weighs you down
Your body heavy and lifeless your pain making a weak and permanent frown
You want so hard to start again to go back to that day
For the hospital to say that they were wrong and send you on your way
But you are in this nightmare it’s permanent there’s no way to turn around
You feel the guilt because instantly
You don’t feel a mum just a big let down
You can’t walk yet so you lie there helpless on your bed
A million worries floating around lonely in your head
Your pain is overtaking from your toes through your spine
You would do anything to take your baby’s pain and for her to be just fine
But you haven’t yet even met her
Does she even exist?
Was it not a dream that she floated by you in a hazy drug filled mist
You feel guilt to admit terrified and dread
To access the million feelings going around in your head
You want to be her mummy
But can barely hold her hand
You keep an emotional distance
For fears you can’t withstand
You watch her intently her monitor by your side
For every beep your body alert you can’t take this in your stride
You want to go and see her
But your body isn’t strong
You worry how to cope
As you feel all you do is wrong
You go and you meet her
Her face is covered full
But still your heart skips a beat
But you are scared of the pull
You feel helpless with her needs
Afraid to let it show
You still are high on morphine
And your legs won’t let you go
Your pain is overwhelming
But your focus is on her
Your legs are buckling under
As your watching her to stir
You find it hard to stand
Your heavy body propped against the glass
With a weak and feeble hand
Your partner is opposite but through the glass he is glued
Both your attentions are separated your bond has now reduced
Two separate people watching on in pain
You wonder how it came to this
Will things ever be the same
Your broken you can’t reach her
Is she really yours?
Born behind a curtain and straight
Into another’s capable claws
The moment comes days later
You are allowed to hold her now
Your excitement couldn’t be greater
But your sweating at the brow
You hadn’t considered the weight of her tubes the fact she needs them so badly
And without them would be screwed
You heart goes into panic your head it will explode
You hadn’t factored in the fear that was carried in this load
Your heart starts racing you feel huge guilt
Why aren’t you relaxed and happy
From all the love you should have built
But all you think is fear of hoping she is ok
That somehow you holding her you were getting in the way
From the machines that she needs and the Drs who know
You are sat holding your bundle and scared
To let her go
Your dream of when you hold her tightly
Warmly to your chest
After hours of exhausting labour
You feel you’ll deserve the rest
Right now you just feel empty
You feel you let her down
But in reality you just made it
And you want to turn that your frown around